I have had the experience that men are very often portrayed in western media as having an insatiable sex drive. Contrary to women in media who seem to make up excuses such as having a migraine to avoid sexual contact. This often creates imbalances in these fictional straight relationships.
Now I’ve had the other problem in the past. I’ve found that I’ve initiated sex quite often but I’ve also often been declined. Having this image in my head that men are the ones who should always be up for sex, this definitely used to affect my self-worth a lot. I thought I was the problem, that I was not attractive enough. Over the years I had struggled with adjusting my expectations.
I’m not sure why I’m posting this but I though it might be nice to see if others had a similar experience
Honestly I agree with this post so much.
My husband got sober four years ago, and with that his sex drive went completely away.
The first year an a half, I didn’t understand at all what was going on. I thought all those thoughts: I must be ugly, he doesn’t love me, by god we didn’t have sex for like 5 months and I literally ran away from a neighbor one day while talking. Ive never had interest in him ever, I love my husband. But five months dry, I had to run away from conversation with this man, afraid I might flirt.
My self esteem was in the shitter. I had tried everything, initiating myself more often. Which is hard, because like many women, I hate my body. I like a man to initiate because it signals to me he likes my body and wants it, so I can green light my own desire. But I worked through that and tried anyway. Denied everywhere.
We talked about it, time passed and sometime in his second year sober frequency increased. It’s still, well, like once a month. He’s nearing 40 and I’m not far behind him. I habe heard it changes a bit as you age, and I don’t go insane with this frequency. Anything less I would.
It kind of sucks, because I have had some life changing sex in the past. I fucking love all of it, I have a high drive. My husband is a little less, and thats okay though. All but one high drive guy I dated in my youth were kind of ass holes, some truly assholes. Not for husband making. I’ve been raped. I’d rather have a low libido man who treats me as a person, than a high drive guy who treats me like shit.
And, I watched my husband stuggle with his own masculinity for it. It made him feel like shit during our dry spells. He thought something was wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with him, he was recovering from years of only having drunk sex. In fact, we both had to learn how to have sober sex. I never realized how often I would drink alcohol as a prep for booty time. You mine as well be a teenager again after 20 years of using alcohol as an aphrodisiac basically.
There was nothing wrong with my husband, and there was nothing wrong with me. Yet, for nearly two years we both thought we were broken. I hope I was able to make him feel loved in that time, and being we’re still in love today, so hopefully I did.
This sterotype hurts men too, the whole ass patriarchy does.
Stop putting expectations on people and let them just beThank you so much for sharing your experience, it means a lot. I am glad you were both able to work through these feelings and that you managed to overcome this change
I blame Casanova for creating the male archetype who sleeps around without a care for any of the women he harms. I’m sure that type of guy existed before but it’s been romanticised to an extent that normalised it. I’ve lost count of how many of my friends have been harmed by that type of guy.
I’ve definitely shared this experience. I’ve got, even now as 60 closes in, quite the drive and that drive didn’t always match my partners’ drives.
And yes, in my youth I took it very personally precisely for the reasons you give.
I’m glad that you were able to overcome these feelings, they definitely don’t help the situation!
Well I can only speak to the handful of men that I dated but they fall on a spectrum from can not stop even if their dick is raw and bleeding all the way out to completely no desire for sex at all.
Most just want it 1-2 times a week and I think there was a study showing women on average had the same sex drive as the average man (+/- 12%)
So don’t take it personally if he says no. He could be tired or stressed or depressed.
Also there is a segment that has responsive desire and don’t seek out sex but do enjoy it.
I am doing much better with not taking it personally! Thanks for your perspective. It’s not always easy but I definitely prefer a good relationship even if the sex could be more frequent
Well is the goal of more sex to give you more orgasms or to spend more time feeling connected to your partner or is it how you are valuing how desirable that you are?
Can it not be both? Obviously orgasms are freat but sex with my partner is just a really special time with lots of laughing and cuddling between
It can be but I made them separate because they have different routes to satiate them. If it were just need for more orgasms, toys and remote play could easily help. But if it is more desire for connection, there are a great many options available outside of sex and sexual activities.
Healthy relationships take care of needs; wants can be infinite and reasonable compromises exist for loving couples to be happy together for a long time.
I’ve been reading the book Come As You Are, and I really recommend it. The author explains that there are really two systems at work in sexual desire, essentially the accelerator and the brake. Things like seeing someone who is physically attractive, reading erotic fiction, or a nice, romantic dinner might press the accelerator, while performance anxiety, feeling like you or your partner needs a shower, feeling unsafe, etc. might press on the brake.
Furthermore, different people’s accelerator and brake respond to different stimuli, and they respond with different sensitivity. So some people respond more strongly to brakes than accelerator, some respond more strongly to accelerator than brakes, and lots of people (about half) are somewhere close to the middle on both.
I personally have an accelerator a good bit more sensitive than my brakes, which sometimes makes me feel like my sex drive is careening out of control. My partner, comparatively, has more sensitive brakes, and their experience is often that they WANT to be aroused but aren’t.
For me, just having a clearer picture of what is going on is empowering. I’m looking forward to reading more of the book, but it’s already helped me understand that I’m not broken for wanting “too much” sex, and my partner’s lack of arousal isn’t because they aren’t attracted to me.
That does sound like a very interesting perspective, I’ll have to look into that book. Thanks!
This is a really interesting topic! I think you’ve made an excellent point here. Men are expected to be ever ready for sex, so when they refuse a woman that’s gonna hurt. It really negatively impacts men as well… there must be men having sex before they’re ready, with people they’re not sure of etc.
I think it’s important to remember women still do a disproportionate amount of household chores and childrearing. A tragic amount of women are sexual assault survivors which can make sex difficult. I also wonder how many secretly gay men are married to women and therefore not really enjoying the sex.
Those are definitely fair points. I am sure there have been men who’ve been told to “man up” if they didn’t want to have sex with a woman. As Madzielle said this stereotype (and the patriarchy) hurt men too
I also wonder how many secretly gay men are married to women and therefore not really enjoying the sex.
If you want to be horrified I can tell you about this aspect of Chinese culture… (It’s also why bisexuals aren’t just erased in China, they’re actively despised by the rest of the queer world here.)
You know I ALWAYS want to hear your facts!
OK, here goes.
Family is everything in China. The family values instilled by millennia of Confucianism dictates that all proper children will procreate. And the social pressure to procreate: to get married, and have a child (back when the one-child policy held sway) or multiple children (before that policy and after it) is immense.
Very few people are strong enough to resist.
So what happens in queer culture?
Well, queer or no, you will give your parents grandchildren. Which means that almost every queer person will wind up in a loveless marriage that’s torture for both parties solely so that the parental demand for a grandchild is delivered.
Now some techniques have evolved for this. Like the bearded marriages. A gay couple and a lesbian couple get cross-married so officially on paper there’s one man with one woman. But they live close to each other and in reality the man is married to the man and the woman to the woman. (The trans issue is … let’s just say it hasn’t arrived here yet in any real strength and leave it at that.) But very few people can swing a bearded marriage. So most queer people are going to be married to someone they don’t love and who will learn to hate them once the truth comes out (because it always will). Queer couples know this, at some deep level, and are resigned to it.
And into the mix come bis.
Bis can “pass” for straight. Which means that a bi woman, for example, can get into a lesbian relationship happily, but when the inevitable pressure happens, they’ll scarper off, find a guy, and live happily ever after, leaving behind a lesbian who is doomed to what I mentioned earlier. (Same for bisexual men and gays.) This breeds an incredible amount of resentment, as if the bisexual is just there for a few laughs, playing with the emotions of their queer lover before running off and living the straight life. As such, bisexuals are LOATHED in local queer culture; are viewed as worse than the worst. Worse, even, than a homophobe.
I’m not surprised. Bi’s are largely seen as bad news here in the UK, it’s got to be far worse in more homophobic countries. It’s all horribly sad
Removed by mod
Another one who can’t read the rules. And the title.
