I have had the experience that men are very often portrayed in western media as having an insatiable sex drive. Contrary to women in media who seem to make up excuses such as having a migraine to avoid sexual contact. This often creates imbalances in these fictional straight relationships.
Now I’ve had the other problem in the past. I’ve found that I’ve initiated sex quite often but I’ve also often been declined. Having this image in my head that men are the ones who should always be up for sex, this definitely used to affect my self-worth a lot. I thought I was the problem, that I was not attractive enough. Over the years I had struggled with adjusting my expectations.
I’m not sure why I’m posting this but I though it might be nice to see if others had a similar experience
Honestly I agree with this post so much.
My husband got sober four years ago, and with that his sex drive went completely away.
The first year an a half, I didn’t understand at all what was going on. I thought all those thoughts: I must be ugly, he doesn’t love me, by god we didn’t have sex for like 5 months and I literally ran away from a neighbor one day while talking. Ive never had interest in him ever, I love my husband. But five months dry, I had to run away from conversation with this man, afraid I might flirt.
My self esteem was in the shitter. I had tried everything, initiating myself more often. Which is hard, because like many women, I hate my body. I like a man to initiate because it signals to me he likes my body and wants it, so I can green light my own desire. But I worked through that and tried anyway. Denied everywhere.
We talked about it, time passed and sometime in his second year sober frequency increased. It’s still, well, like once a month. He’s nearing 40 and I’m not far behind him. I habe heard it changes a bit as you age, and I don’t go insane with this frequency. Anything less I would.
It kind of sucks, because I have had some life changing sex in the past. I fucking love all of it, I have a high drive. My husband is a little less, and thats okay though. All but one high drive guy I dated in my youth were kind of ass holes, some truly assholes. Not for husband making. I’ve been raped. I’d rather have a low libido man who treats me as a person, than a high drive guy who treats me like shit.
And, I watched my husband stuggle with his own masculinity for it. It made him feel like shit during our dry spells. He thought something was wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with him, he was recovering from years of only having drunk sex. In fact, we both had to learn how to have sober sex. I never realized how often I would drink alcohol as a prep for booty time. You mine as well be a teenager again after 20 years of using alcohol as an aphrodisiac basically.
There was nothing wrong with my husband, and there was nothing wrong with me. Yet, for nearly two years we both thought we were broken. I hope I was able to make him feel loved in that time, and being we’re still in love today, so hopefully I did.
This sterotype hurts men too, the whole ass patriarchy does.
Stop putting expectations on people and let them just be
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it means a lot. I am glad you were both able to work through these feelings and that you managed to overcome this change