Gonna start by saying I am super nervous even posting this. It is one thing to even admit things to myself in my head let alone reach out on the internet. Hopefully it is okay to post this here.

I guess I am trying to figure out if I might be trans (Or partly trans, though I guess that would still count.)

Little basic info is early 30s male, big guy.

I am pretty sure attraction and gender are seperate but related. My preferred, gonna call it, entertainment material has transfem models. I have the thought along the lines of I wish I had a body like hers fairly often. And when I see women in public, in some dresses and skirts, I have started admitting to myself that I am kind of jealous that they can wear that and I can’t.

I have also wondered/fantasized about having breasts.

I will admit that I do crossdress bottom half only, but only privately.

I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.

I created this alt just so I could more comfortably engage in this community, but I am still kind of freaking myself out and really worried I am just spamming where I shouldn’t be.

Sorry for being so scrambled with my thoughts. So trying to come back to a point for making this post, am I possibly in the closet trans? Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?

Thanks

(Even up to this point I am still thinking about not posting this. I am kind of scared of someone figuring out who I am making this post. It just seems easier to just go on keeping this all my just my head.)

Morning after post edit:

Thanks everyone for your comments. They are helping me wake up a bit. My stupid brain wouldn’t let me sleep last night. Probably got a little over an hour of sleep. I swear I was trying really hard to sleep, I just couldn’t stop running hypothetical situations in my head. Surprisingly not anything negative though.

Edit 2: I may not be replying to all, but I assure you that I am reading.

2.5 days after post edit:

Maybe I should do this as a reply to myself, but I will just write here.

All this has been on my mind since posting. It is honestly a LOT to process. I am absolutely not sure where I will go in the long term, but I am think of coming out to my brother and my best friend. I am pretty much certain my brother will be supportive. I am also pretty confident in my friend. Though, I honestly think after some serious awkwardness things may work out. 🤞

All the contemplation has brought me to my current guess that I am trans, likely non-binary and femme. It is still a bit weird to admit to even myself, but it is what is and I am who I am.

I do wonder if one day I would go the HRT route, but definitely no surgery. Too scared of that a I am pretty sure I don’t need it. I have no issues with having male bits, honestly I am rather fond of the guy. We have practically been attached together my whole life. 😋 (Sorry, I like to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood.)

What I (pretty sure) want is to be feminine and have breast. I decided to start a personal journal yesterday, and I wrote the line “I want breasts” and stared at at for a bit. The line just felt right.

I already had secretly bought some femme clothing (mostly lower body) but I also ordered myself another skirt (hopefully fits tight enough since I want to wear it at my hips and not waist), some peelable nail polish (want to be able to take it off easily), and some clip on earrings.

Thinking about my possible future is scary as hell, but it also makes me excited for who I might be.

Okay, that is my rambling. Sending love to everyone who took the time to reply to me. 😘

(I am also trying to be more expressive online with emotes.)

P.s. Still cis though (jk)

  • Otome-chan@kbin.social
    2·
    1 year ago

    what you’re talking about is pretty common for chasers. I’ve known a few who progressed towards transition after having such feelings, and some who didn’t.

    This is beehaw so I’ll bite my tongue on commenting but… the description you provided is remarkably common and well understood by the medical and scientific community.

    My advice kinda goes against the grain but: I’d recommend maybe cutting down on the porn, explore fashion as you please, try to think about things for yourself rather than blindly believing others, and look at how these sorts of things were handled scientifically in the past vs how they’re handled today.

    • audrbox@kbin.social
      8·
      1 year ago

      look at how these sorts of things were handled scientifically in the past vs how they’re handled today

      This is a big red flag to me. The scientific industry has a frankly awful history when it comes to its understanding and treatment of queer/trans people, and looking at how “these sorts of things” were treated historically is going to result in you seeing lots of discounted homophobic/transphobic ideas that won’t provide you any clarity.

      OP, the feelings you describe can be really common for trans people discovering themselves and are nothing to be ashamed of. I recommend giving yourself the space to try out the things that you want, experiment with how people refer to you, etc. There’s no rush or pressure to have any definite answers. Realizing these things about yourself, especially as an adult, can feel earth-shattering, so please give yourself as much grace as you can 💙

      • Otome-chan@kbin.social
        1·
        1 year ago

        If you’d like to chat a bit more in depth (that might start straying from beehaw’s guidelines) please join over in @transsexual. The reason I mentioned to look at the history is because ideas about this stuff in society have changed over the years, and I think it’s important to get a range of views and understand where things came from, how they changed and why, etc.

        Personally I found the popular modern ideas that are often shared to just be unnecessarily confusing and unhelpful. Hence why I suggested to look at a variety of views and ideas on the topic. OP seems a bit confused, so I figured it might be a good idea. It’s a bit like someone asking about politics, only to be told one side’s view of the situation. Surely they should see what all the views are through history and what ideas and beliefs were held and why?

    • not_an_egg@beehaw.orgOP
      1·
      1 year ago

      what you’re talking about is pretty common for chasers

      I have actually thought along the lines of, “am I just a chaser” before. Worded differently, but it has crossed my mind.

      Thanks for the reply,