I didn’t intend to be dismissive and if my response sounded that way then I apologise.
I agree it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of vague signals, but my perspective is if there’s any annoyance or frustration it should be directed at the violent/angry men who have caused women to feel unsafe.
Helping women feel safer by tackling the violence and misogyny directed at them by men will benefit everyone.
It’s also dismissive of the fact that a lot of women give vague signs as their signs of interest. It’s really just a damned if you do or don’t situation. Either you interpret the vague signals as disinterest and move on, or you read them as a potential go ahead and you’re a dick.
But that’s just circular. Girls can’t be direct because guys are assholes. Guys can’t be direct because they don’t want to be assholes. If standards for one must change, guys being ok with being assholes but being direct with their assertions, then so too must the other change standards, i.e. being direct with their signs.
Trying to live so that nobody ever sees you as an asshole is a recipe for depression and regret.
How, else do you interpret that? Assuming that depression and regret are things to be avoided, then saying living so that no one sees you as an asshole = depression would mean that, if you want to avoid depression, you necessarily have to be an asshole. I suppose you can be an asshole without being ok with it.
I think there’s three main reasons for vague signals.
They legitimately don’t know how they feel. Maybe they kind of like you but aren’t sure. Recommended: do not pursue. Find someone who is enthusiastic about you. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who can’t make decisions and doesn’t know how they feel? It’s exhausting.
They are afraid or uncomfortable, and are trying to avoid upsetting you. Like the comic. Enough men will do just that or worse if they get rejected that being polite can seem safer, even if it makes me man feel like he’s getting mixed signals. You know you’re not like that, but they don’t. Recommended: same as above.
2b. You are talking to someone who can’t leave like a retail worker. Stop bothering the person who can’t tell you to fuck off.
They aren’t thinking about you at all. Like one time they’re happy to go bowling with you but the next time they blow you off on biking. What gives?? Mixed signals?? Nah dude she just likes bowling.
Love this. Especially 2b. I hated this about working in a cafe.
I’m only talking to you at all because I’m being paid to do so. I’m only smiling because my job is customer service. I’m being nice because you’re a fellow human, not because I want you in any way
There’s also a sort of 1b. They’re into you but are playing games like “hard to get.” Again, do you really want to be with someone playing games with you? It’s exhausting.
Men can’t reproduce. The fear of never getting a woman to love us is fucking scary to men because our feelings evolved around a total dependence on women to propagate our genes.
For a man, the relationship to a woman is just as valuable as his own body, in terms of viability of his genes. The types of fear we feel reflect this biological fact. We fear death yes, because death means our genes don’t reproduce. We also fear rejection for the same
reason.
I feel like this is very dismissive and also ignores that lots of relationships do inevitably start with vague signals.
“Yeah, well, women have it worse so your feelings are irrelevant and it’s okay if they ghost you.”
As I said in my original comment, I get it. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s a difficult situation for men.
Being dismissive of men’s feelings and not letting them talk about how dating is difficult for them isn’t helping anyone.
I didn’t intend to be dismissive and if my response sounded that way then I apologise.
I agree it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of vague signals, but my perspective is if there’s any annoyance or frustration it should be directed at the violent/angry men who have caused women to feel unsafe.
Helping women feel safer by tackling the violence and misogyny directed at them by men will benefit everyone.
The main thing for me is to remember it’s not personal. When a stranger treats me as a potential threat, it is not an insult to my character.
Being treated as a threat by someone who knows my character, is an insult to my character.
But when a stranger models me as a stranger, it’s not personal at all. It’s not about me. Not a reflection of who I am.
It’s also dismissive of the fact that a lot of women give vague signs as their signs of interest. It’s really just a damned if you do or don’t situation. Either you interpret the vague signals as disinterest and move on, or you read them as a potential go ahead and you’re a dick.
Trying to live so that nobody ever sees you as an asshole is a recipe for depression and regret.
But that’s just circular. Girls can’t be direct because guys are assholes. Guys can’t be direct because they don’t want to be assholes. If standards for one must change, guys being ok with being assholes but being direct with their assertions, then so too must the other change standards, i.e. being direct with their signs.
I didn’t say to be okay with being an asshole.
How, else do you interpret that? Assuming that depression and regret are things to be avoided, then saying living so that no one sees you as an asshole = depression would mean that, if you want to avoid depression, you necessarily have to be an asshole. I suppose you can be an asshole without being ok with it.
I think there’s three main reasons for vague signals.
They legitimately don’t know how they feel. Maybe they kind of like you but aren’t sure. Recommended: do not pursue. Find someone who is enthusiastic about you. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who can’t make decisions and doesn’t know how they feel? It’s exhausting.
They are afraid or uncomfortable, and are trying to avoid upsetting you. Like the comic. Enough men will do just that or worse if they get rejected that being polite can seem safer, even if it makes me man feel like he’s getting mixed signals. You know you’re not like that, but they don’t. Recommended: same as above.
2b. You are talking to someone who can’t leave like a retail worker. Stop bothering the person who can’t tell you to fuck off.
Love this. Especially 2b. I hated this about working in a cafe.
I’m only talking to you at all because I’m being paid to do so. I’m only smiling because my job is customer service. I’m being nice because you’re a fellow human, not because I want you in any way
That in many cases smiling is mandatory is a revolting part of customer service in the US.
There’s also a sort of 1b. They’re into you but are playing games like “hard to get.” Again, do you really want to be with someone playing games with you? It’s exhausting.
I think one should be rather dismissive of “it would be easier for me if others engaged in behaviours that have resulted in their being abused”.
Your fucking convenience doesn’t come before their sense of safety.
Missing the nuance as always. Thanks, Lemmy!
Men can’t reproduce. The fear of never getting a woman to love us is fucking scary to men because our feelings evolved around a total dependence on women to propagate our genes.
For a man, the relationship to a woman is just as valuable as his own body, in terms of viability of his genes. The types of fear we feel reflect this biological fact. We fear death yes, because death means our genes don’t reproduce. We also fear rejection for the same reason.
Don’t use biological arguments. In this stage of civilization, societal considerations trump biological ones.
And the ones you’re using are bullshit anyway.