I find a lot of solace in finding community. All my best friends are absolute weirdos and I love them dearly. They make me think about what I value and the kind of person I want to be, challenging all the assumptions I formed growing up. Community makes me feel empowered and gives me somewhere I can retreat to when it all gets a bit much.

I honestly genuinely feel a deep compassion and sorrow for the people who “live to hate”. Not pity, because that suggests I’m above them, and actually, I’ve been shitty at numerous points in my life, I understand how easy it is to feel angry and hateful, and how easily one can fall into harmful, reinforcing cycles. I wish they could know the joy of being accepted for oneself, and the freedom of being able make mistakes and have people there to support you to be better.

I don’t think it’s a happy existence to lead and it’s sad to see them double down on the hate when they realise it isn’t filling the hole within them. I try not to think about it too much, but it’s hard when they’re so loud. Don’t get me wrong, I am angry as hell at what they are doing to harm people, and I will do whatever is necessary to defend my community, but I could never hate them. It takes a lot of energy to hate and I don’t have that in me.

Gender does end up feeling very linked to sexuality in complex ways. I’m cis, but my gender presentation definitely varies depending on whether I’m dating a woman or a man.

I had a partner who came out as trans while we were dating: when we got together, she identified as a straight man, but after transitioning, she identified as bi. She said that she couldn’t really feel attracted to men when she was imagining herself as a man, making out with another man, but as a woman, she felt more able to explore that part of her sexuality.

Hey, so I just want to give my perspective as someone who’s a cis woman and bisexual.

I think that most cis people don’t feel jealous of people of the other gender, or wish they had physical features associated with another gender. That might mean you’re trans, but it might not. It’s okay to not be sure. It’s okay to “try on” a label, in a safe space and identify a certain way, and then decide “no, that doesn’t fit me”. We’re here to be this space.

There’s a lot I could say here that I’m sure someone else has said better, but something I wanted to highlight is when you said “I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.” Transness may seem to be shaped by gender dysphoria, and whilst I understand why feeling dysphoric is an important part of many trans people’s experiences, I think it is too easy to slip into a trap of “oh, I guess I could live like this” and resign oneself to misery. However, there’s nothing quite so beautiful as seeing a person experience gender euphoria, whether they’re trans or not. I want you to lead the best life you can, and I hope you are able to be supported in finding out what that means for you.

You don’t need to have any answers or labels that fit right now, or ever. Whatever your gender identity or sexuality though, you are welcome here.

I think the landed gentry point sits poorly with me because many of the most committed mods (I mean the ones who actively put work into their communities, I’m not referring to the powermods collecting subs like General Grievous collecting lightsabres) put hours of work into curating and building a community. Reddit is built on so much volunteer labour and for Huffman to use phrases like “landed gentry” is outrageous

This conversation reminds me of difficulties in real life politics, especially on the local level. Something that always struck me in how it’s spoken about is that the preferences of the “lurkers” are often presented in opposition to the “active users”, when the entire problem is that it’s hard to tell what the mass of people want.

I suppose it’s different here though. On Reddit, the lurkers can be assumed to be okay with the status quo, but in politics, people who don’t vote or engage with politics may be the complete opposite