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What do you call a Rolls-Royce without wheels?
A Royce.
What do you call a line with no points?
A pointless line.
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings… is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it’s sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he’d be a successful doctor:
“If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can’t, we pay you $1,000.”
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial <easy money> button immediately. The guy didn’t even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “Blawrgh! This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days – he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my memory.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “What, no! That’s gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days — he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: “Sir, I’ve gone blind.”
Engineer: disappointed “Well, unfortunately I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000.”
Doc: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam
What did the liar say?
It will all be okay.
From Letterkenny: “What’s a Mennonite’s favourite kind of raisin? Barn raisin.”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can’t open windows in Space.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Barman asks why he’s got a steering wheel down his pants.
‘Yarrr, it’s driving me nuts’
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What’s brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They’re both purple, except for Santa.
Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, “It sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin says, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
This is my casual go to, love freaking out as the second muffin.
I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.
Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on
Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”
Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”
Most of my dumb jokes don’t work in English, but here’s some that do:
- A Buddhist goes to the hot dog stall. What does he ask for? “Make me one with everything.”
- You heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted some space!
After handing the hot dog vendor money, the Buddhist asks for change.
The hot dog vendor replies, “Ah, but change comes from within.”
The Buddhist then pulls a gun out from beneath his robes and points it at the hot dog vendor. The vendor exclaims, ‘I thought all Buddhists were peaceful!’ The monk then says, ‘Every monk carries with him his inner piece.’
That’s a good one!
