Been in a relationship for a year, since early in the relationship my partner has been suffering with chronic back pain. This pain is almost always present, this causes breakdowns multiple times a week, especially on weekends.
I’ve been having a hard time helping her manage her pain and being there for her, it reoccures so much that I’m starting to feel myself becoming apathetic towards her, and sometimes outright cold.
I haven’t really been getting a chance to rest from being emotionally available, or even socially available (even though life circumstance already caused me to basically halt all social life). And i haven’t really had a weekend this past months that i could use to rest instead of being on call and hearing her cry most of the day.
I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup and that I don’t have any other choice, otherwise I’d be leaving her to deal with it herself.
It feels like it’s going to be the end of our relationship, any advice?
p.s. we’re a man-woman relationship, young adults, both of us not really experienced in relationships, if that’s any help.
You need to talk with her, be open address your fears and how you feel about the situation. It will be difficult to address, it needs some delicate wording.
By this I mean make sure that you don’t blame her for having the pain, it is not her fault to feel it. It is understandable that she needs someone to rely on, but not at the expense of your own happiness.
There is the chance that she will feel attacked and mistreated. That is a risk when discussing any issue. It is best when you tell her that lately you feel exhausted, you wish you could help more but that you cannot. And that you guys need to find a way to deal with it together. It seems to me she is craving / needing the security and someone to rely on so when discussing the issue ensure her that you are there, you are not removing yourself.
It is also worth noting that you have had time to think about how you feel and what it is that bothers you, she did not have that luxury. For her it will be the first time, that she hears about that. Give her the time she needs, it will take time to adjust, to figure out what she is feeling and how to address the changes that are necessary.
Lastly, if you two can’t discuss an issue within your relationship in a civil manner it begs the question, is there a point then? Over the years there will be more issues that have to be discussed, problems need solving and if communication fails then there is more hurt coming.
Fantastic response!
I would add it could be worth looking into finding appropriate support groups for both of you (together, individually, or both) as well as some kind of professional counseling to help not only with relationship stuff, but pain mitigation and how you can support her without burning out.
I’ve been trying to bring it up, but it hasn’t been going well, it always sounds like i want a break up, it’s getting so difficult, i hope it’ll get better friend.