I coasted by in school, doing pretty much nothing, relying on my quick learning skills then forgetting everything immediately after. Teachers were apparently super anxious about my lack of attention in class, but then stopped stressing out when they saw my grades or asked me any questions. I just did my shit while they taught the rest of the class. As far as I can remember, back then they were talking about hyperactive kids, not really ADHD. I didn’t fit the criteria for hyperactivity. My brother did, but I did fine in school, so I was okay, right?
Then higher education hit, I got kicked out of one school, more or less crawled my way up and barely made it into university after a couple years of messing around. I dropped out halfway through, thoroughly depressed and even more confused about my own capabilities. I just couldn’t keep up, when I managed just fine as a kid and teen. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I felt like a fucking idiot.
Somehow, I have now wiggled my way into development/programming for the last 8 years by doing an accelerated pre-universitary program and job hopping my way to better roles. I have lead teams, helped businesses grow from startups to getting acquired or having internal growing, I do pretty fine financially speaking, have a beautiful wife and kids… but it really never feels like I’m doing that good. I know I am doing fine, objectively speaking, but I suck at being objective with myself lol
I have come through this, you sound like you are in a similar position to me.
One thing that helped for me was, imagine yourself 5 or even 10 years in the past, looking at a person in your position. What would that version of you think of the current you? If it is something like “when I have what that guy has, then I’ll be happy”, examine why your level for “happiness” has changed over that time.
Also stoic philosophy is great, the wisdom of 2500 years helps.
Achievements? What are those? Why do people say you are supposed to feel good when you complete one? I’ve only ever experienced a moment of respite. No matter how hard or challenging, it is just a checkbox to be ticked before moving onto the next task, ad infinitum.
That word “supposed”, you are not “supposed” to feel anything…you feel what you feel, accept that. Rather than valuing getting tasks completed, try to change your value to something like “I’m a dependable person”, I am the type of person who you can depend on to help get that project across the line, but sometimes higher priority things will come up.
At the end, that is still a goal, no? It may not be a concise task/chore but it is still a thing to work towards? I don’t understand how it fundamentally differs from any other “task”?
Even more fun is when by all accounts you are successful, and have a good job, and your brain still tells you you’re not successful.
That might only be partially the adhd though.
I coasted by in school, doing pretty much nothing, relying on my quick learning skills then forgetting everything immediately after. Teachers were apparently super anxious about my lack of attention in class, but then stopped stressing out when they saw my grades or asked me any questions. I just did my shit while they taught the rest of the class. As far as I can remember, back then they were talking about hyperactive kids, not really ADHD. I didn’t fit the criteria for hyperactivity. My brother did, but I did fine in school, so I was okay, right?
Then higher education hit, I got kicked out of one school, more or less crawled my way up and barely made it into university after a couple years of messing around. I dropped out halfway through, thoroughly depressed and even more confused about my own capabilities. I just couldn’t keep up, when I managed just fine as a kid and teen. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I felt like a fucking idiot.
Somehow, I have now wiggled my way into development/programming for the last 8 years by doing an accelerated pre-universitary program and job hopping my way to better roles. I have lead teams, helped businesses grow from startups to getting acquired or having internal growing, I do pretty fine financially speaking, have a beautiful wife and kids… but it really never feels like I’m doing that good. I know I am doing fine, objectively speaking, but I suck at being objective with myself lol
I have come through this, you sound like you are in a similar position to me.
One thing that helped for me was, imagine yourself 5 or even 10 years in the past, looking at a person in your position. What would that version of you think of the current you? If it is something like “when I have what that guy has, then I’ll be happy”, examine why your level for “happiness” has changed over that time.
Also stoic philosophy is great, the wisdom of 2500 years helps.
That sucks man, feels all too familiar feeling like you just aren’t good enough.
Achievements? What are those? Why do people say you are supposed to feel good when you complete one? I’ve only ever experienced a moment of respite. No matter how hard or challenging, it is just a checkbox to be ticked before moving onto the next task, ad infinitum.
That word “supposed”, you are not “supposed” to feel anything…you feel what you feel, accept that. Rather than valuing getting tasks completed, try to change your value to something like “I’m a dependable person”, I am the type of person who you can depend on to help get that project across the line, but sometimes higher priority things will come up.
At the end, that is still a goal, no? It may not be a concise task/chore but it is still a thing to work towards? I don’t understand how it fundamentally differs from any other “task”?
Imposter syndrome’s a bitch.