I’m in. Let Van Diesel drive this thing, but someone remind him what made Pitch Black a classic, beg him to dial it back to the franchise’s roots just a bit.

There are dozens of us! Dozens!

I’m with you. Knowing the general dislike of them, they’ve always been a guilty pleasure.

Oh, bless your heart, you poor misguided soul. You actually enjoy the Riddick movies? Seriously? I mean, I guess there’s always that one person in the world who thinks the sound of nails on a chalkboard is soothing, so I suppose it’s no surprise that you find Vin Diesel’s grunting and growling in those cinematic disasters to be entertaining. But let me tell you, my friend, you couldn’t be more wrong if you were trying to eat soup with a fork.

First of all, let’s talk about the plot, or lack thereof, in the Riddick movies. It’s like they took a bunch of random sci-fi clichés, tossed them in a blender, and hit the “disaster” button. I mean, seriously, how many times can we watch Riddick go from being a lone badass to being caught up in some convoluted space drama? It’s like they’re recycling the same tired storyline over and over again, just with different sets and slightly different bad guys. Talk about creativity at its finest!

And let’s not forget about the acting, or should I say lack of acting. Vin Diesel’s impressive range of facial expressions consists of a permanent scowl and a look of constipation. It’s like he’s trying to portray a badass with all the depth of a puddle. And the supporting cast? Well, let’s just say they’re about as memorable as a goldfish with short-term memory loss. The performances in the Riddick movies are so wooden, I’m surprised they didn’t start sprouting leaves.

And here’s the best part: the special effects. Or should I say, the lack of special effects? I mean, come on, did they blow their entire budget on Vin Diesel’s paycheck? The CGI in the Riddick movies is so laughably bad, I’ve seen better graphics on my grandma’s flip phone. It’s like they hired the intern who just learned how to use Photoshop and said, “Hey, can you make it look like Riddick is fighting aliens in space? Great, you’re hired!” It’s a visual train wreck of epic proportions.

But hey, if you enjoy watching Vin Diesel mumble his way through a nonsensical plot, with cardboard characters and effects that would make Ed Wood blush, then by all means, bring on the night and indulge in your guilty pleasure. Just don’t expect the rest of us to join you in your misguided love affair with the Riddick movies. Because when it comes to quality sci-fi, Riddick is about as good as a jar of expired mayonnaise left out in the sun for a week. So, good luck with your questionable taste in movies, my friend. You’re gonna need it.