Don’t make me an unwilling participant in your embarrassing show of affection, writes Guy Walters

I clearly remember the first time I witnessed a public proposal of marriage. My wife and I were out for dinner on Valentine’s Day (when we still did things like that), and we had gone to some terribly chic and expensive restaurant in Chelsea (when we still had money).

At some point, we became aware of a kerfuffle, and it quickly emerged that a man was on one knee and holding up a ring to his dining companion, who he obviously wished to be his wife. I can recall him clearly, as he had a dodgy moustache and nasty baggy suit – we were just coming out of the nineties – and I can also recall the woman’s reaction, which was one of complete shock.

After what seemed like an age, she said yes. Because we were in a terribly chic and expensive restaurant in Chelsea, rather than applause, the only response from our fellow diners consisted of an elderly SW3 matron sourly uttering the words, “Oh for heaven’s sake”.

At the time, I thought that comment was ungracious, perhaps even downright unpleasant, but in retrospect it was absolutely right. Public proposals are an utter disgrace, and the men who make them – and it is always men – should be permanently banned from getting married. In fact, I’d go further, and require that they should be forced into some kind of treatment, as such behaviour is a massive red flag, and indicative of all sorts of psychological unpleasantness that urgently requires lancing.

If you are on social media, then you will see such public proposals regularly, and you will realise they follow the same pattern. Take the example recently posted by Dublin Airport on Instagram, complete with the cheesy caption “Love is in the air at Dublin Airport”. A stewardess is seen walking into the arrivals hall, whereupon a young man presents her with some cheap flowers. Onlookers, aware of what’s about to happen, start clapping and cheering. Then the man reaches into a bum bag by his armpit – how classy! – and fishes out a white box which evidently contains a ring, and gets down on one knee.

What happens next is telling, and is a moment that is present in every public proposal video – the woman steps back. In this instance, she steps back five times, until there is a gap of some two metres, perhaps more. She then does something else that is common to all these videos – she puts her hands over her face. There is a pause, and she then accepts. More applause by the crowd, a hug, and then the third common element – the man waves to the onlookers.

This ghastly choreography is almost identical to that which was recently seen in a video posted to Twitter by Newcastle University, in which a male graduate is seen proposing to his girlfriend just before she is about to receive her degree on stage. There are those same steps back, the hands over the face, and the smug male wave to the applauding crowd.

You do not need to be an expert in body language to see what is going on. The woman is being placed – by the man – into a state of shock and acute public embarrassment. Her ability to refuse the proposal is almost completely compromised by the presence of so many onlookers, and her agency is therefore massively diminished. It is not hard to see how some men who do this to women may in effect be practising coercive control, and any smart money would bet on the side of such men proving to be extremely manipulative husbands.

The other troubling element is the evident male narcissism. By making a private act public, such men are making the event a piece of theatre, albeit one in which only the half the cast has agreed to appear. What should be an intimate moment between two equals is now rendered into a performance that is essentially all about the man. The woman now merely has a supporting role. This is especially so in the case of the degree ceremony, in which the woman’s starring role of receiving her degree on stage was completely usurped and turned into a very different role in a very different piece of theatre by a supreme act of selfishness.

The social media managers of places such as Dublin Airport and Newcastle University should be aware that these public proposals are far from popular. The Dublin video has been watched 17.7 million times on Instagram, yet it has only garnered 1.2 million likes, which strongly suggests to me that 90 percent of viewers did not like what they saw. I cannot do the number-crunching for the graduation proposal video, because tellingly, Newcastle University has deleted the tweet in the face of much opprobrium.

The only public proposal video I ever wish to see is one in which the woman says no, and not only that, but also publicly lambasts the man for putting her in such an egregious position. This, I hope, would go viral, and make some men realise that there is a vast difference between taking control of a situation and taking control of a person. The motives behind public proposals may be romantic, but ultimately they are the very opposite of what true love means.

  • Fandangalo@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    I find it strange you put the entire onus of this issue on the male person proposing when there’s a lot of societal expectation to do these sort of gestures. I’ve been married to my wife for almost 10 years, and I didn’t do a public proposal, but I knew that’s what she wanted. Some people do want the big, public gesture, including the people you believe have diminished autonomy. It’s an unpopular opinion to say these people should be barred from marriage because the opinion lacks awareness of cultural nuances driving people to do public proposals—its unpopular for good reason; it’s myopic.

    • givesomefucks@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      OP is from the furry instance…

      Strange is their normal, but it is really odd for them to be judging people for doing stuff in public that most people would rather not see

      • soyagi@yiffit.netOP
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        1 year ago

        Heh, strange is our normal… Anyway, I just want to point out that this isn’t my opinion. I linked to the article, and the writer is credited in the first sentence in bold.

        • givesomefucks@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          Yeah, I wasn’t even getting into how your post isn’t a fit in the community because it’s not your opinion.

          If people submit articles they find, we end up with stupid shit like this where people post idiotic things and go

          It’s not my opinion tho!!!

          • soyagi@yiffit.netOP
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            1 year ago

            I felt it was an opinion worth sharing as I knew it would generate discussion. I struggled to find other suitable communities.

            I pointed out that I didn’t write the text as I don’t want to falsely appear to claim credit for it, that’s all.

  • bouh@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    You’re whole essay is based on the idea that the woman is not already wishing for a proposal.

    Culture has it that women are usually the ones waiting for a proposal but the man is the one who has to do it. From what I know, men who do this do it because they know it’s what their partner want.

    It would indeed take an asshole to trap an unwilling partner in this kind of situation. But then in a modern country the woman can simply break up with this asshole the next day when no one is watching anymore.

    • Pwrupdude@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      This is exactly what I was thinking reading this. The statement seems to be written only from the authors perspective on what they think is proper or not. If the person being purposed to wants a big show of it then the proposer is being a good partner.

      I can see where it could be a problem, but to blanket statement that it is a problem if anyone does it reachs to far. Each couple is unique and it’s part of their story.

    • Maestro@kbin.social
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      1 year ago

      Exactly. The only surprise should be where, when and how you propose. I did it publicly, on stage during a stand up comedy routine after I was heckled by the comedian for dragging my feet on the proposal. It was great and my now-wife loved it

      • GrossGhost@kbin.social
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        1 year ago

        Do you mean you asked the comedian to heckle you about it? That sounds like a great memory. All the best to both of you!

        • Maestro@kbin.social
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          1 year ago

          No. The comedian asked my wife if she was married. She answered “Not yet”, and when he asked why not she said because I was dragging my feet. He heckled me, challenged me to get on with it already, so I went on stage, borrowed a ring from someone in the audience and proposed. It’s a great memory and luckily we even have it on video.

  • NounsAndWords@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Some people like the public spectacle. If your SO wants a public spectacle then you shouldn’t let some weird introvert on the internet tell you what to do because it makes him a little uncomfortable.

    If your SO has no interest in that sort of public display, then yes, don’t do that.

  • BenVimes@lemmy.ca
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    1 year ago

    I proposed to my wife in the middle of our dingy basement apartment with no one else around. We were going out to dinner with our friends that evening to celebrate her PhD thesis defence. I asked her if she was okay with a public proposal. She said no.

    So, I grabbed the ring (which she had helped me in part to pick out) from where I had stashed it and handed it to her with no ceremony or fanfare.

    It was honestly more fun waiting for our friends to notice that evening.

  • N-E-N@lemmy.ca
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    1 year ago

    You definitely lost me at trying to punish people for this lol. Dislike it all you want but don’t pretend this should be an actual crime

  • The woman told the man to propose 99% of the time she knows it’s coming.

    The reason to do it in public or in front of people at an event is too inform people of the change of status. Then go celebrate

  • non_expert@sh.itjust.works
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    1 year ago

    I proposed publicly to my wife but a) I knew she wanted to get married, b) I am super reserved usually so doing it publicly was more meaningful because it was more difficult, and I think most crucially c) I didn’t film it for the socials. There’s definitely a genre of public proposal that’s super cringey but it’s not really fair to paint them all with the same brush.

  • xc2215x@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    If they are not willing then it is not good. I do agree that it is about making a scene though.