this is the first year my friends and mother neglected to get me a gift or anything of value. usually, i’d be given some money or something useful. occasionally, a friend would buy me a Steam game off my Wishlist. i had never come to expect this and told those buying me things that it was unnecessary and that i loved them regardless. my friends have supported me in many ways throughout my life. i truly owe them a lot and would never ask for more or hold this behavior to them every year.
however, i guess part of me came to appreciate their repeated kindness on my birthday over the years, because as the evening of my birthday approached i noticed other than a “happy birthday” or two i hadn’t received much attention at all. nobody gave anything.
damn. huh. well, we’re all in difficult spots financially. …but one of my friends is literally in his best paying job ever and has a decent savings account. i shouldn’t read into it. even if the reason was simply “eh i just didn’t want to,” i am okay with that of course, but it does sting a little. it makes me feel old and dehumanized. i am 36. who cares about the feelings of a 36 year old? who gets a gift for a 36 year old? who celebrates a 36th birthday?
i’m having a bit of existential dread, i think.
same age, know that feeling, it really hurts.
happens to me for a few years, so many I don’t even know the last time anyone did anything for me.
it always stings.
i’m sorry you can relate. it’s even worse at this age because now i am having to internalize feeling too old to care about my birthday. some consider my emotions immature, but i don’t know how to act whatever age i am apparently supposed to act lol. i’m already bothered by aging and knew this mentality was common but now that i’m facing it i understand it even less. my friends don’t think like that, thankfully, so i’m sure that isn’t impacting them this year… but it seems apathy is all over the place. something is going on.
it isn’t that you want a bouncy castle and a clown art your party.
you just want to be celebrated and being validated on this milestone. it’s a perfectly normal feeling and the vacuum from getting nothing really hurts. it’s definitely not childish.