Becoming a father at 28, after realising that is what I want from life; going deeper into the realm of love, wanting to live out the unconditional, unfaltering love for my own offspring. Finding the perfect person to go down that rabbit hole with, getting married, and less than a year later we have our first child.

It was all so easy and natural, made manifest by two people sharing this simple dream. A solid foundation was cast, I got to see firsthand that I can do this just as good as I hoped.

Something also happened before in my mid-20s. I was on a bit of a blue streak. Ended up taking an introductory course to zen sitting meditation. Two sessions was enough. Realised there’s a photocopier in my head that spews out thoughts, some of them ugly. I couldn’t turn it off, but I could refrain from reading the papers. Found inner peace right there and it has stuck.

I got a few things that have helped me figure things out.

1. Nobody has this shit figured out. We’re all just kids with jobs and responsibilities now.

2. The only people that care about how manly another man is are other men that wanna feel superior to you. It’s okay to want to feel manly if that’s what you want, but don’t do it for someone that probably didn’t like you to begin with. Why work so hard to earn the approval of someone you don’t like?

3. Men are just as emotional as women and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can start dealing with your emotions in a healthy way.

4. Don’t try and find people that fit the very specific definition of “friend” that you have in your head. Every friendship and relationship is unique and should be appreciated for what it is instead of what it isn’t.

5. Failure doesn’t mean that you are a failure. Try and figure out why you failed instead of focusing on the fact that you did fail. You learn a lot more about yourself from your failures than your success.

The “Fully Functional” is something that the most level headed adults that I know, men or otherwise, would refute on the spot. I don’t think I know anyone who feels like a fully functional person. Or an adult for that matter. As that is an elusive concept to begin with. Although, that doesn’t mean one can’t find ways to mature.

I’m 40. And the thing that I’ll say is that kids and younger people have it harder these days. The world is in a state of unprecedented cacophony, in which the previous existential threats that loomed over the previous generations are all stacking up to form a massive sense of unease.

Whichever adult, men, woman or other, that claims they have it all figured in the face of increasing calamity is lying. Possibly to themselves first.

The men who feel the way(s) that you mentioned, are not wrong in feeling the way they do. They can only be wrong in how they act in response to it. Because from time to time, we’re all bound to feel like that at one point or another. And unfortunately in some circumstances and contexts that might be more persistent than others.

The great failure of our time is not that men, young or not, are failing more, but that we are all failing more. Because we are all failing each other. Some more than others, obviously. But even so, we’re failing to reach one another at some point in a growing secluded world.

You can eat your greens. Go to the gym. Earn income that allows you comfort. Find a partner. And even have a child…

And still feel all the things that these “men” do.

The point of maturity is to not make others pay for what burdens you.

And the only escape out of that isolated space is not the “self-improvement” route that the fraudulent will try to coach others. As that is just maintenance.

The way out of loneliness is in service of others. Which has always been the the case and will always be.

Trying to find a way out of loneliness by trying to find a romantic partner to “fix that” is just offloading the burdening responsibility to another person. And regardless of sex or sexual orientation that will always lead to a toxic dependency and a relationship that never ends well.

I’m a 40 year old dude. I have a home. I get to do what I’m passionate about. I have a partner that I live with and I love her. But if anyone comes knocking for advice, I tell them that if they’re looking for easy answers, they’re looking for lies to comfort them out of what they already know to be true… That life is complicated and none of us really know what we’re doing while we’re roaming this earth.

But it sure is a whole lot easier when we’re kind to one another. And that is about the only certainty we’re gonna get before we die.

Everything else is noise.

“When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

• C.S. Lewis

1. I was priveledged enough to have positive role models and grow up in an environment where I could form platonic friendships with girls.

2. I started training martial arts at 14.

3. I made a fuck tonne of mistakes, took responsibility, and learned from them.

4. I kept coming back to my foundational beliefs and continually adjusting my behaviour to reflect them.

I don’t know about fully functional, but I think there’s 3 things I would say are key to not being miserable all the time:

• Be kind. It’s not in everyone’s nature, but the results are so rewarding. Just stop to think, is what I’m doing right now causing someone else pain or discomfort? How could I reverse that? Don’t let your bad day ruin someone else’s.

• Be purposeful. Find things to strive for. Small goals are fine, and sometimes things take a long time, but don’t lose sight of where you want to be. Dont be manipulative or treat it like a zero sum game either, your success doesn’t need to come at the cost of someone else’s. Winning with your friends is even better than winning alone.

• Be forgiving. Most importantly to yourself. Failure is not the enemy of success. Self hatred will destroy any chance you have at happiness, many of us are taught at a young age to treat our own failings as horrendous sins that we must mentally self flagellate for. This is the one of the hardest things to overcome, but every step along the way will give your mind a little more room to find peace.

I found myself in a place where I was terribly miserable, isolated, and regretful. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the gradual application of the above which helped pull me out of that place.

Adulthood is realizing most adults don’t know what they’re doing.

But I think a lot of men’s issues is trying to confirm to the boomer’s definition of “a man”.

I have no idea why anyone would do that, but lots do.

And that link is about how some men can’t get laid…

That right there is likely the main problem.

men feel isolated, unvalued by society, and dysfunctional,

And:

Not all guys have an ongoing sexual relationship with a woman.

Are not the same fucking thing. If you’re looking for a single partner to fill all your emotional needs, you’ll never be happy and you’ll make the other person unhappy and eventually make them despise you. At best you’ll end up with a problematic codependent relationship

I’ll let you in on a secret: you can act and be perceived as a fully functional man while being a child inside. I could give you some examples but I’m sure you can think of some.

But it is also very important to not remove that from yourself or you’ll turn into a boring old man.

The first thing was growing a beard. For a man aged say 18-25, having a beard makes people treat you like an adult, while being clean shaven you are treated as an adolescent. No I’m not joking.

Second for me was financial independence. Even a stupid things like exiting the cellular family plan.

Third I think is hobbies. When you gain self confidence in your skill in something you love, even if it’s just hiking or metal detecting, you may care less about others opinion of you.

Getting into philosophy and ethics. Contemporary Stoicism in particular is very freeing and empowering. Theres this concept in Stoicism (and Buddhism) of “dichotomy of control” where some things can’t be controled like thoughts emerging or you dying but you can control your reaction to all of that.

Another concept from Stoicism that relates to community is the idea of “festival” which is basically being intentionally mindful of how awesome crowds are - the fact that a diverse group of people gather together for some shared activity or just to hang out is enough for you to enjoy it!

I pretended I was functional, and eventually I forgot I was pretending.

I started to really feel I was doing alright in my late twenties. Got less selfish, learned to accept my flaws, own my mistakes and be less of a dick. I learned to just bluntly admit that I don’t know certain things. Got even less competitive. And started to enjoy just listening to people. Worked wonders for my self-esteem. And it made me A LOT more likeable to be around.

Relevant: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s famous speech, Don’t Ever Call Me a Self-Made Man https://youtu.be/DOldEbWxgdQ (you can probably easily find it not on YouTube with a web search). It’s not 100% what you asked but it’s along the same lines.

Edit: full speech https://youtu.be/RJsvR_gSEjg

I take issue with “fully functioning”. I believe no person on earth is fully functioning, at least not in the developed world. Everyone has to rely on others for some tasks, including basic tasks.

For me it’s mostly cooking, which is a huge gap in my function.

Just off the top of my head:

• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Home maintenance
• Exercise
• Paperwork/bureaucracy
• Socializing (friends, family)
• Pets (optional)
• Children (optional)
• Work/Study
• Digital safety (e.g. using a password manager, keeping devices up to date, avoiding malware)
• Culture (books, movies, games etc.)
• News (at least on subjects you care about) from trustworthy sources
• Hobbies

I consider all of these necessary to be “fully functioning”. I really don’t see how it’s possible for one person to have the time and the knowledge for all of these diverse tasks.

We’re humans, and we live in a society. We specialize, and if we’re lucky, we have people close to us who can fill in the gaps where we fall short.

I can’t cook, and I rely on my family for proper food, otherwise I usually go for frozen stuff. But in return I make sure my family doesn’t make any digital safety blunders, and I fix things around the house that my mother just wouldn’t know where to start.

Loads of people hire a cleaner to regularly clean their home. Are they not able to clean for themselves? Are they not fully functioning? No, of course they could if you take cleaning in isolation, but they can’t do everything, and more importantly, they can’t do it to the same level of quality. Replace cleaning with whatever.

The fully functioning adult is a myth. Everyone offloads.

Didn’t read many other comments, don’t know if this was already said.

After going to therapy and taking medication for my depression, I was able to clear my mind enough to take improving myself seriously. What I did was:

1. Realize that, in reality, the vast majority of people don’t give a damn about you, in the sense that only the weirdest and most annoying ones are going to judge you or look down on you; the rest generally won’t care, and that’s liberating.

2. Being more honest with myself, doing what I really want to do, and not feeling sorry or ashamed for saying no and setting boundaries.

3. Helping those around me when I see the opportunity. I used to see myself as useless, but now that I actively seek to help others and realize that it’s not something others usually do, I feel better about myself.

4. Set and achieve goals. I am currently in the process of building my first Gaming PC and have been gathering the parts little by little, which has given me a great sense of accomplishment and makes me believe that I can achieve greater things.

5. Accept what I cannot change on my own and not let misfortunes get me down. Just as good times end, so do bad times.

6. Take responsibility for my mistakes, my screw-ups, and my prejudices. Analyze them and see what I can change, how to change it, and how I can make amends for any damage I have caused, even if it was not with bad intentions.

7. Stay true to my ideals and principles.

8. Never stop dreaming of a better and different future, and work little by little to achieve it. Pessimism only seems mature when you are 12 or 15 years old and know nothing about life. Life is beautiful, and the future is full of possibilities.

37 year old man here.

I have one single rule that has guided me into being a functional adult, and that is:

To be an adult, you have to understand when it is appropriate to be childish.

This covers a shit load of stuff.

You need to understand what…

…“childish” means
…“appropriate” means
… it means to apply these concepts in real life.