I (22M) have an online friend I’ve been talking to, “Ana”. (20F). Ana asked me out. I don’t know how to be a good boyfriend or what to say. I’m an anxious mess who’s been largely unnoticed by girls even in high school. Because of this, I said “Sorry, no,” even when I did want to be asked out. I cried about it because I felt bad but also because someone actually seemed to want me.
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You aren’t an asshole, but she deserves an explanation at least.
But… nobody knows these things until they figure it out. And you don’t figure it out without taking that leap.
So you like each other, see where that goes. Just tell her you panicked when she asked and that you’re new at this.
She said it wasn’t my fault I was shaken up, apologized for making me feel that way, and told me she genuinely likes me because I’m kind and good-natured.
Ah, wonderful news!
Glad you reached out and also let us know. Made my day.
Way to go! I’m glad you were able overcome your anxiety about the situation and it worked out for you! :)
I just explained to her, I will update you
Go talk to her. If she’s someone who’s worth dating then she’ll understand.
I just sent a message :D
Glad to see that she was understanding about it! You should honestly consider going out with her. She seems very sweet.
Imo, yes.
Someone asked you out, you said no with presumably no explanation, then proceeded to make it about you. Others are welcome to disagree, but in my book, yeah, you’re an asshole.
But you have all the opportunity to change that. It could be by giving the other person a real explanation. You say it’s an online friend, so I kind of guess you two don’t live close to each other so it would be long distance. Don’t make anything up be honest. Or if the distance isn’t too bad try going out on a date see how it goes. It’s a date not a marriage. Do the classic dinner and a movie or coffee and a movie. I mean Superman’s out right now Fantastic Four coming out soon. I’m sure there’s other movies too.
I second what pronell said, I would just be honest with her about how you feel and why you said that. You’re already not dating her right now so the worst that happens is you continue to not be dating her.
More likely though is that she’s happy you shared your feelings and she tries to help you feel more comfortable with her especially if she already really likes you.
Thank you so much!!!
Depends on your definition of “asshole” here tbh. As, in are you a bad person? No. Are you a fool? Yes. You totally choked. Also what is an “online friend?” Someone you only know online? If so, well, that’s not someone you can actually date, so…good job getting asked out!
Being a “good boyfriend” is a matter of practice: of being fun, emotionally supportive, helpful, a good lover, a good listener, patience, all the stuff that makes for a good friend (plus sex). None of that comes without practice and grace.
Also work on your anxiety. Whether that means seeing a doctor or just…practicing being social, you need to move past that to have healthy intimate relationships.
To add to this, even realizing your anxiety is a problem is a huge step. See a doctor and/or a therapist.
I struggled for a long time because I thought I was depressed when that was true, but I was depressed about the things my anxiety kept me from doing.
Knowing that anxiety is holding you back makes it clear that you’ll be much happier if you figure that out.
Disagree that you can’t “actually date” someone you only know online. Online relationships are as real as any others.
No, they’re not as real. They’re mediated correspondence. You might be able to achieve a certain degree of intellectual connection through in-depth conversation to the point where you can develop a friendship, or maintain a romantic relationship for a while, but the actual relationship you have through a mediated system is not real in the way one is in the flesh. To be human and to connect with others requires, at some point, the experience not just of the mind, but of the body as well. Text is the most impoverished, but video is flat and even sound mediated through speakers is lacking. We are still animals, not brains in jars, and if you think you are creating intimacy through online communication that’s as real as real life, you are too much in your own head to understand the vividness of real life.
If you can’t maintain a deep relationship online, that’s an absolute skill issue on your part. People are, if anything, more their real selves online than in-person. All the best relationships I’ve had–romantic or otherwise–have been primarily online, and not because I don’t have any relationships IRL.
People can be more forthcoming or plain spoken in mediated communication, but definitely not more real.
I can’t say you’re wrong about your own relationship experiences, but in any mediated communication the medium itself is always there, bounding, shaping, and limiting your experience of the other. To a degree inevitably exceeding that of embodied experience, you are living those experiences in just your own head, whether it’s text evoking the idea of a voice or a flat image stimulating the memory or imagination of the heat of a body, the taste of saliva, or the smell of sweat which is not present. It is a skill issue in a sense, but the skill is storytelling, assembling the idea of a presence which isn’t quite there. And that’s fine, humans are storytellers. But we’re animals too.
Whatever, dude. If you can’t experience someone’s full humanity via the internet, that’s a you problem.
If you think you’re experiencing a person’s full humanity, that’s an error on your part.
There are people whom I met online but transitioned into having an in-person relationship with. My experiences of them online were not inaccurate or even incomplete. Again, fucking skill issue.
Just because they asked you out doesn’t make you their boyfriend, that comes later.
For dating? Just go out and have a good time. Relax, enjoy yourself. You’ll be better for it.
The boyfriend thing will come later.
