My wife and my 10th anniversary is coming up this year. She quit smoking before we got married. Years later I told her how proud I was of her quitting because it would have been a requirement of mine before saying our vows.
5 years ago she started smoking again when her father died of COVID. I was patient with her in the beginning but I have become increasingly frustrated with her unwillingness to quit. We have been looking forward to a 10th anniversary vow renewal but I told her I won’t do it unless she quits. I told her I wouldn’t have married a smoker. I will not remarry her while she is a smoker.
It sounds like you’re putting extra pressure on her instead of just being loving and supporting, ironically making it harder for her to quit. Cigarettes are notoriously known to be hard to quit. There are always stories of addicts who quit all drugs but struggle to stop smoking. I obviously don’t know the full situation here though.
I get it 100%. The circumstances that led to her quitting the first time (a medical thing) aren’t able to be replicated. Also, the circumstances of her relapse (her father’s death) were sharp to say the least.
Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say, “this is us.” “That is not us.” ? I could just as easily turn a blind eye to hoarding. It’s not dissimilar. But I refuse to live like people who live in garbage. If my wife was addicted to piles of junk, few would argue against me taking a stand against it. Pick an addiction; they all have social connotations. What if she was an abusive alcoholic? I can say no to that right? What if she was a functional alcoholic? Am I within my rights as a husband to put conditions on behaviors that represent “us”?
The family I grew up in has a zero smoking policy. I have a zero smoking policy. I love my wife, but I will never support her addiction.
You can draw your own line. I’m just saying your method might backfire. If you’re not willing to approach it another way, it might just be months of stress for both of you. Maybe not though, it could work. Everyone is different.
Unless you’re going about it like an asshole, no. You’re communicating, standing by your position, and setting a boundary.
She knows smoking is dangerous, she knows you don’t like it, she knows you want her to quit, she’s quit before so she knows how to do it.
Have you considered compromising with vapes? Still not as good for you as not smoking at all, but significantly healthier than smoking and doesn’t make everything smell horrific. She can get that nicotine buzz she craves with very few of the downsides. She can also then taper her nicotine content and quit that way if she decides to.
I’m trying not to to be an asshole about it. She knows my stance and I’m not budging. That said, I don’t throw it in her face. In fact, I only told her once that I won’t do the vow renewal until she quits. We have an otherwise perfect marriage.
We haven’t had the vape conversation, but I’m not in favor of that either. You don’t quit drinking by switching from beer to vodka. I honestly don’t know how I would feel about her switching to vape. I hate the smell of her addiction but that’s not my biggest issue. I hate the effect on her health but that’s not the complete picture either. I hate the concept of a smoking addiction. It’s not my identity, and I don’t want it to be the identity of us as a couple. We are blue collar AF, but I still feel like her smoking diminishes us.
I used to be proud of her for quitting and staying quit. Now I’m not anymore.
That identity thing seems counterproductive. The way addictions works, you generally kind of stay addicted indefinitely even if you manage to quit and stay off the substance forever. And in contrast to beer vs. vodka, vapes are healthier than cigarettes - even if that doesn’t actually change anything for you, it’s definitely better for her.
My wife and my 10th anniversary is coming up this year. She quit smoking before we got married. Years later I told her how proud I was of her quitting because it would have been a requirement of mine before saying our vows.
5 years ago she started smoking again when her father died of COVID. I was patient with her in the beginning but I have become increasingly frustrated with her unwillingness to quit. We have been looking forward to a 10th anniversary vow renewal but I told her I won’t do it unless she quits. I told her I wouldn’t have married a smoker. I will not remarry her while she is a smoker.
Am I being an asshole here?
It sounds like you’re putting extra pressure on her instead of just being loving and supporting, ironically making it harder for her to quit. Cigarettes are notoriously known to be hard to quit. There are always stories of addicts who quit all drugs but struggle to stop smoking. I obviously don’t know the full situation here though.
I get it 100%. The circumstances that led to her quitting the first time (a medical thing) aren’t able to be replicated. Also, the circumstances of her relapse (her father’s death) were sharp to say the least.
Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say, “this is us.” “That is not us.” ? I could just as easily turn a blind eye to hoarding. It’s not dissimilar. But I refuse to live like people who live in garbage. If my wife was addicted to piles of junk, few would argue against me taking a stand against it. Pick an addiction; they all have social connotations. What if she was an abusive alcoholic? I can say no to that right? What if she was a functional alcoholic? Am I within my rights as a husband to put conditions on behaviors that represent “us”?
The family I grew up in has a zero smoking policy. I have a zero smoking policy. I love my wife, but I will never support her addiction.
You can draw your own line. I’m just saying your method might backfire. If you’re not willing to approach it another way, it might just be months of stress for both of you. Maybe not though, it could work. Everyone is different.
You and your wife are in a hard situation.
Unless you’re going about it like an asshole, no. You’re communicating, standing by your position, and setting a boundary.
She knows smoking is dangerous, she knows you don’t like it, she knows you want her to quit, she’s quit before so she knows how to do it.
Have you considered compromising with vapes? Still not as good for you as not smoking at all, but significantly healthier than smoking and doesn’t make everything smell horrific. She can get that nicotine buzz she craves with very few of the downsides. She can also then taper her nicotine content and quit that way if she decides to.
I’m trying not to to be an asshole about it. She knows my stance and I’m not budging. That said, I don’t throw it in her face. In fact, I only told her once that I won’t do the vow renewal until she quits. We have an otherwise perfect marriage.
We haven’t had the vape conversation, but I’m not in favor of that either. You don’t quit drinking by switching from beer to vodka. I honestly don’t know how I would feel about her switching to vape. I hate the smell of her addiction but that’s not my biggest issue. I hate the effect on her health but that’s not the complete picture either. I hate the concept of a smoking addiction. It’s not my identity, and I don’t want it to be the identity of us as a couple. We are blue collar AF, but I still feel like her smoking diminishes us.
I used to be proud of her for quitting and staying quit. Now I’m not anymore.
That identity thing seems counterproductive. The way addictions works, you generally kind of stay addicted indefinitely even if you manage to quit and stay off the substance forever. And in contrast to beer vs. vodka, vapes are healthier than cigarettes - even if that doesn’t actually change anything for you, it’s definitely better for her.