i attempted to post this on several groups but because the subject of the issue is a minor the post was removed. I kept her age in for reference. As well as an update at the end.
I ( 28 f) along with my partner (30 m) just recently bought my mothers house. I have two younger siblings both just graduated high school and heading to college, so when my mom wanted to downgrade to something smaller and we were looking for something bigger. It all worked out perfectly. After being moved in for two weeks my brothers friend (17 f), let’s call her Lexi, knocked on the door sobbing asking for my brother. He obviously wasn’t there and I had no context but I could see a kid in need of a hug.
I invited her in and told her my brother moved out and she explained that her friend out of state was in a bad accident and might not make it. I felt awful and let her just chat and cry on the couch for a bit. Eventually I called my brother and told him his friend was upset and he should stop by after work. She ended up staying over and even eating dinner with my bf and I. My brother eventually came over and they went for a walk and he took Lexi home.
The next day she came by again stating her friend had passed away. I again had empathy for her situation but also was beginning to feel awkward. She asked to come inside. I felt like I couldn’t say no to a crying teen on my doorstep and she stayed over again for dinner.
A few days later I was out front doing yard work with my siblings and Lexi showed up again. She had a completely different attitude and wanted to just hang out. I assumed one of my siblings invited her over but later when I got one of them alone they asked why I invited her over. Long story short she bounced around from my siblings and both said she was clingy and overbearing. I got the impression Lexi liked them more than they liked her.
Here is where I am turning to Reddit for help. The last two weeks Lexi has stopped by my house 8 times. Two days ago I asked her to call or text before just showing up. So now she calls me at 530 on the dot every night to see if she can come over. And if I don’t answer she will call every 10 minutes as well as text.
I got some more information on her from my siblings because I’m thinking broken home, or distant despondent parents and she is reaching out for attention. But no I even corroraborated with my mom that her parents are still together and she lives just up the street from us. So now I’m more confused to why she keeps wanting to come over. My bf and my family agree I was too nice to her in thr beginning and now that I opened the door I have to deal with my new little stalker. And to either embrace it or ignore it. But I don’t want to do either. The fact that this teenager became obsessed with me in the matter of two interactions makes me worrisome and I need to know how to let her down easy. I mean at the simplest form she’s not friends with my siblings. They no longer lived here and I’m 28 and she’s 17.
How do I let her down while also setting boundaries?
UPDATE: I took some advice and had a frank conversation with her. I told,not asked, her to call and text before showing up at my house.
However that only lasted about two days then the nonstop calling and texts began again. Then she stopped calling and I showing up daily. She was sitting on my front stoop one day when I came home from work. She was upset with me because I was late (she knows what time I get off and I assume looked up how long my drive is)I never let her into the house anymore but this doesn’t deter her from stopping by. She has even began to reach out to my siblings and boyfriend via instagram to ask them to ask me to call or text her back.
Once she texted me off her dads phone. Should I reach out to him? My thoughts are I let him know that she is continuing to come by as well as ignoring my requests to reach out before hand. Hopefully he could talk to her about boundaries because clearly she is not listening to me and hopefully he can let her down easier then I can because I feel my frustration level go up every time she comes by. I used to ask about her day but now when she comes over I tell her I’m busy and you need to leave. Today is Tuesday and the last three days we have this exact interaction.
Thoughts on reaching out to her dad? Or do I keep turning her away and ignoring her??
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You’ve got to toughen up. If she’s waiting for you when you get home, tell her you don’t have time to hang out and close the door on her. Tell her it’s not appropriate that she keeps inviting herself over and that you can’t be available for her on her whim. The only way to set boundaries is to set them strong and plain and then do what you have to do to enforce them. If that means walking in your door and shutting it in her face that’s what you need to do.
She’s not your kid, she’s not a relative, she’s not your responsibility. Tell yourself that when you feel yourself folding. She’s pushing you because you’re not drawing the line in concrete. It’s not mean to set firm lines with people that take advantage of your good nature.
This may be overly cautious, but I recommend making a log and gathering evidence for if/when this escalates further. Keep in mind that at 17 she is still a minor, so there is an additional burden of responsibility that is imposed upon you and your partner in every interaction you have with her. Get dates, times, and statements from your brother and partner on the 2 occasions she entered your home and slept over, in particular. The last thing you want to deal with is a false accusation from this kid who does not seem to regard nor respect your boundaries, which you have set clear at this point. Get security cameras. Document everything ongoing. I personally wouldn’t block her texts for now.
Next step is to inform her legal guardians, in this case her parents, that she is not welcome on your property nor to contact you or your partner. I would do it in some form of writing - email or text, again for the sake of evidence. At this point the responsibility for her actions shifts to them. If she is on your doorstep contact them directly and expect immediate action. You can also inform them that you have concerns over her mental health.
Once these are done, you have real actionable choices that you can take. I know it sucks having to feel like a bad guy in this scenario, but it sounds like she needs professional help. Her parents are the ones to blame here.
